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Blog..

Here I am, again.

It's a bit dusty.

Haven't been here for a while.

Spider rags on the wall...

Slightly crooked, the dust is falling of the words.

Lines have lost their meaning, just a bit.

The bearing is lost, the direction has missed its point.

Page corners are curling, the book is veil, the rickety desk is failing..

Life has gone by, time has seeped through the cracks, happiness has filled the holes.

Love has slowly but surely filled up to the edge of the void and is now merrily trickling down the edges.

The feeling of freedom of rest and of the warm sun are shining through the blinds of eye lashes and blue eyes are staring at mine..

The beauty of the world rests her head on my breast and sleeps restlessly and I love her all the more..

Taking flight in the sky's pool of empty glad moonlight, sliver strings singing, their song and the birds are there too..

Here it is, the glimps of this, the inkling of why, the question of what and the puzzle of how.

Nice!

Until next time dear friends...

I Have Found The Thing I'll be Looking For

Here is an interesting concept: "I have found what I am looking for.". What have I found?

Posed in another way. I have found something, now I can finally start looking for it. What have I found?

It's a concept which, in language, is masked by a similar but different concept. It's a meta version of the everyday concept, if you will.

Let me give some more context to try to make it more clear. In my life I have always been in search for something of which I've only had the vague concept that it was something that would feel good. Which I would only know if I had found it. Something that would make me happy and I don't exactly mean the general search for happiness - I've always had the idea that if you have to search for happiness, you are doing something wrong - but something specific. And I think I have found what that thing is, the subject of the search.
Specifically, I'm searching for a pretty brunette who asks herself exactly these kinds of existential questions, can sing and who looks at me as if she wouldn't survive life without me.. But I'll settle for finding a girlfriend who sort of has the same view of the world as I have.. Which is not easy, because I actually don't know anyone else who has such a view of the world..


One other thing you have to remember: It's about the path not about the destination. Make sure you have fun now, don't plan to have fun later!

With this I'll leave you once more, have a good night!

Oh and btw: Go and watch the movie Into The Wild, it's really, really good!

Love,

Mart

(Monty Python and...) The Significance of Life

You know.. life is sometimes difficult to understand. It sometimes seems to trick you into making something mentally feel less important than it really ought to feel.

Take romantic relationships. Nobody can ever really grasp the significance of the choices we make about these. But every choice in this, tempts us to lessen the emotional worth of our entire life, because we cannot oversee its consequences and the only defense to this problem, the only way to lessen the burden of realizing this, is to lessen the emotional worth of life itself. For how can something be so important, if we cannot possible make the perfect choice about it?

Strictly speaking, this is why we should never give into doubt, with subjects as life defining as this one. The moment we do or do not do something because of doubting its outcome, we automatically diminish the worth of our life, because we diminished the potential worth of the concept of a relationship.

The only way to avoid this problem, it seems to me, is to have some kind of faith in life, or yourself. Because if you have faith that you have made the right choice, you do not have to lessen the importance of that choice, and thereby corrupt the meaning of life. Face it, what else is life about, if not about choice?

This is interesting, because it means that to really have free choice, to really be free, we need to have faith in something or another...

The lessen we can learn about this is, on the one hand, to be careful in the choices we make and on the other hand, to believe in the choices we have made. But most of all to believe in yourself and to always be true to yourself. Though, keep a weary eye out to making yourself believe the wrong truths... Which brings us to the distinction between faith and blind faith. In my opinion nobody should have blind faith if she can help it, but every body should have faith in the things she cannot control.. it seems the only way to stay sane in this world.

And the most beautiful faith of faiths is the faith of love...

I love you all,

Goodbye for now!

Heart Break..

There is nothing in the world as hard as breaking your heart (Although you might think that it is more difficult to break someone else's heart. This is sadly not true unless you break your own heart with it..). And it is even more difficult if you've had all the chances in the world to make it right, but only realize how stupid you have been when it is to late to fix it. Nothing you read, see or hear will ever prepare you for the feeling of it happening to you! You will never ever even be able to know how bad it feels, if you are not experiencing it at this very moment.. It will fade.. I know it will and every time you experience it (which could easily be multiple times for one event, if you have such a strong optimistic and not always very realistic emotional constitution as I have), it will hurt just as bad..

Do you know that feeling you sometimes get when you like someone who already is in a relationship? If you bring that in the perspective of how it feels to have a broken heart, you will never secretly fansy about them splitting up again!

My heart broke a few times already this year. I had come to realize how much I loved and missed somebody and how much I wanted her back. But I realized this too late.. I was stupid and blind and I did not realize my real feelings for this person until it was too late and she had moved on! I had a lot of time and somehow I only saw what I had lost until it was too late.. It is a cliche, but it is a true cliche.. This hurts so much! There is someone who I love and who loves me, someone I could have been happy with for the rest of my life maybe.. and this person has decided that she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore..

So now I face a life, knowing that I could have been with someone I love but am not and that she will probably find someone else soon and probably be with him for ever.. I have to face that someone else will be with her forever instead of me.. How do you face something like that? I don't know how.. I know I will survive, because I think I can survive anything (emotionally speaking (although I don't want to test my limits!)).. but I really do not want to feel this hurt! This helplessness.. that there is nothing you can do to fix it (and believe me, I have tried (and probably still will for some time, knowing myself..))..

Still deep down, I realize that more than anything else I want her to be happy. I really do! Not immediately, first I just wanted her back, but when I think about it, I realize I cannot handle her being hurt! I realize that if someone who I love hurts, I will hurt with her.. no matter what..

I don't know how I will find someone I love this much again.. but I really hope I will..

Life Is Not for the Fair

Life. I always expect it to be fair. I expect it to be easy, that it won't hurt you. That if you want something bad enough or love someone bad enough, that is enough. That somehow it will always turnout for the best.
Then I'm always surprised that when I have a particular strong emotion, especially if it is directed at someone. Nobody notices it. Nobody can feel it. My emotions sometimes scream in my head. It sometimes feels as if the power of the emotion is enough to turn the whole world inside out. And sometimes I can feel so connected to someone, it feels as if maybe our auras connect, like some kind of energy intermingles and surrounds us both. Like I can feel the warmth flow between us, it feels so good. I really wish I could share it with someone..
People are so blind towards one another, it's really scary. How do we survive as a species if we cannot even communicate our strongest feelings or our deepest wishes? Isn't it depressing that a synonym for our "strongest feelings" is "our deepest feelings". As if we by definition are not allowed to tell anyone what we really feel, as if we are supposed to hide them, deep in our selfs, where nobody can reach them!? God forbid, they might find out what we feel. It is cruel that our inner feelings are so separated from the world out there...

My love to you all!