Heart Break..

There is nothing in the world as hard as breaking your heart (Although you might think that it is more difficult to break someone else's heart. This is sadly not true unless you break your own heart with it..). And it is even more difficult if you've had all the chances in the world to make it right, but only realize how stupid you have been when it is to late to fix it. Nothing you read, see or hear will ever prepare you for the feeling of it happening to you! You will never ever even be able to know how bad it feels, if you are not experiencing it at this very moment.. It will fade.. I know it will and every time you experience it (which could easily be multiple times for one event, if you have such a strong optimistic and not always very realistic emotional constitution as I have), it will hurt just as bad..

Do you know that feeling you sometimes get when you like someone who already is in a relationship? If you bring that in the perspective of how it feels to have a broken heart, you will never secretly fansy about them splitting up again!

My heart broke a few times already this year. I had come to realize how much I loved and missed somebody and how much I wanted her back. But I realized this too late.. I was stupid and blind and I did not realize my real feelings for this person until it was too late and she had moved on! I had a lot of time and somehow I only saw what I had lost until it was too late.. It is a cliche, but it is a true cliche.. This hurts so much! There is someone who I love and who loves me, someone I could have been happy with for the rest of my life maybe.. and this person has decided that she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore..

So now I face a life, knowing that I could have been with someone I love but am not and that she will probably find someone else soon and probably be with him for ever.. I have to face that someone else will be with her forever instead of me.. How do you face something like that? I don't know how.. I know I will survive, because I think I can survive anything (emotionally speaking (although I don't want to test my limits!)).. but I really do not want to feel this hurt! This helplessness.. that there is nothing you can do to fix it (and believe me, I have tried (and probably still will for some time, knowing myself..))..

Still deep down, I realize that more than anything else I want her to be happy. I really do! Not immediately, first I just wanted her back, but when I think about it, I realize I cannot handle her being hurt! I realize that if someone who I love hurts, I will hurt with her.. no matter what..

I don't know how I will find someone I love this much again.. but I really hope I will..

Life Is Not for the Fair

Life. I always expect it to be fair. I expect it to be easy, that it won't hurt you. That if you want something bad enough or love someone bad enough, that is enough. That somehow it will always turnout for the best.
Then I'm always surprised that when I have a particular strong emotion, especially if it is directed at someone. Nobody notices it. Nobody can feel it. My emotions sometimes scream in my head. It sometimes feels as if the power of the emotion is enough to turn the whole world inside out. And sometimes I can feel so connected to someone, it feels as if maybe our auras connect, like some kind of energy intermingles and surrounds us both. Like I can feel the warmth flow between us, it feels so good. I really wish I could share it with someone..
People are so blind towards one another, it's really scary. How do we survive as a species if we cannot even communicate our strongest feelings or our deepest wishes? Isn't it depressing that a synonym for our "strongest feelings" is "our deepest feelings". As if we by definition are not allowed to tell anyone what we really feel, as if we are supposed to hide them, deep in our selfs, where nobody can reach them!? God forbid, they might find out what we feel. It is cruel that our inner feelings are so separated from the world out there...

My love to you all!